The California Conspiracy

Some of you may have seen Ann's recent blog postings; the ones claiming to have pictures of a weekend in which Keith, Ann, and I enjoyed a pleasant tour around the Bay Area. In this post, I will disprove those claims by showing compelling photo evidence that I was NEVER THERE, and that the weekend in question was actually fabricated, possibly as part of a greater government conspiracy.

Bay Bridge Baffle:

Ann claims that Keith and I were seen together on the Embarcadero, near the Bay Bridge. This photo clearly shows that there was no one there. If Keith and I or anyone else had been standing there, this photo's lovely composition and picturesque view would have been obstructed by two (unsightly) heads.

Ghirardelli Squ-where?

Ann claims to have a picture of me standing on a pier near to and overlooking Ghirardelli Square. However, the photo below, a photo taken the VERY SAME DAY, shows that neither I nor Ann and Keith were on that pier.

Furthermore, a picture of the Ghirardelli building (shown below) from the same day shows that NO ONE was present. Not Keith, not Ann, not me - not anyone at ALL, for that matter. I would clearly have wanted to visit this famous building if I were in San Francisco, but the photo shows that I paid no such visit. Ann's blog offers no evidence to refute this fact.

Coastal Conundrum:

Ann's blog shows a picture of me standing on a rock with waves crashing behind me, as if to prove that I was at the ocean. One of the pictures shows only a shadowy figure, whose identity cannot be established. The second photo shows a picture of a man cleverly disguised to look similar to me, but whose torso proportions are grossly exaggerated. And I do mean grossly. This imposter easily outweighs me by 30 pounds. In addition to this, shown below is a photo of the same location - the very same rocks! - which shows beyond dispute that I was not on that rock.

Golden Gate Gaffe:

Next in Ann's blog, we see a picture of the Golden Gate Bridge, which agrees completely with the photo evidence in my archives - as seen below:

The very next picture shows what LOOKS like Keith and me standing next to the bridge. Irrefutable historical data, however, tells us that the Golden Gate Bridge towers are actually 746 feet tall - MUCH taller than either Keith or myself. How could WE be the ones towering over the towers? We couldn't; the towers are in reality at least twice as tall as us. The picture is a fabrication.

Next, Ann shows us pictures depicting me standing with Keith, but also me standing with Ann, in front of the Golden Gate Bridge again. Which is it, Ann? I couldn't be standing there with BOTH of you. The truth is, I was standing with neither, as the following picture clearly shows. There were a lot of people there, but I'm sorry, I just wasn't one of them.

The Stinson Secret:

Ann's blog appears to contain compelling evidence that I was standing right on the very sands of Stinson Beach. This is a very carefully crafted and almost convincing picture. My unwearying desire to uncover the truth eventually led me to the discovery of a picture that tells the REAL story.

It is clear from this picture, obtained by the great sacrifice of resources and lives, that it was not me that was standing on that beach posing for a photo at all. It was ANN! Evidently pleased by the idea of creating a hoax of this magnitude, she is grinning as she poses as Jake. Obviously some expert hands were required to cut out a picture of me and glue it over the photo of her, but the fact that I am much larger than her made it easy to cover up Ann completely. The long shadows of sunset make it virtually impossible to tell that the shadow in the photo is not actually mine, but hers. Luckily, the photo shown above preserves hard evidence of the truth.

My hope is that the evidence presented in this blog post is sufficient to pull back the curtain of the California Conspiracy for the deserving eyes of John Q. Public, and perhaps may even someday convince Ann of the error of her blog's ways. Until that day, all I ask is that you do your part to promote the preservation of truth and the abolishment of lies. And watch your backs, because the next conspiracy could involve YOU.